Communicating with Kids                                                                                Skill Sheet 11

When children express very strong feelings -anger, hurt, disgust, frustration, fear, excitement - acceptance and acknowledgement from the parent can help the child to ‘move through' the feeling and calm down - much like allowing steam to escape from a pressure cooker. The parent of course also benefits in terms of sanity. However, it is helpful to be aware of the difference between ‘feelings' and ‘behaviour'. If the way  the child is expressing the feeling is unacceptable to us, it can be counter-productive to acknowledge the feeling without addressing the behaviour - the child gets ‘rewarded' with our attention for behaviour we don't like. Look at the examples below and clarify which ‘behaviours' you would rather your child learned not to do, and those you feel are OK:

                               Feeling                                                                  Behaviour

      (the motivation for the behaviour)                (how the child is expressing the feeling)

child is frustrated because you've                                      rolls around on the floor

just said ‘no'                                                                   screaming and crying 

child is feeling bored                                                        snatches your newspaper

child is upset after brother takes                                       cries, says ‘he took my toy!'

his toy

child is scared of the dark                                                 says ‘mummy, I'm scared'

child is frustrated because she's                                         plays around and disrupts

‘no good' at maths                                                            maths lessons       

child feels hurt she has not been                                        says sadly ‘why didn't she

invited to a friend's birthday party                                       invite me?'

child feels unhappy about being                                          hits his brother

teased by sibling

child feels revolted by the peas                                           shouts ‘they're yucky!'

on his plate                                                                    

child is incensed that he got sent                                        says angrily ‘I hate my

out of a lesson                                                                  teacher!'

child is annoyed that you are                                              kicks you

talking to a friend

Communicating with Kids                                                                                     Skill Sheet 17

A threat can undermine adult authority by the implication that a child would not do as they were told unless there was a punishment (or other scary result for the child) to frighten them into doing so. People tend to resent a threat; it doesn't make them want to comply, it makes them want to resist.  Sometimes the threat can be implicit just through tone of voice and body language (orders given with an ‘or else!' implication in the voice). The language of a threat can very simply be turned around into an assertive authoritative statement of intent which brooks no argument, whilst the essential message remains the same: Finish the examples below using  ‘If you/when you...  I will/we will...', describing the actual behaviour you do want rather than the behaviour you don't:

E.g.    If you don't stop playing around you won't get a bedtime story

         If you are ready for bed in five minutes I will read you a bedtime story

E.g.    If you whine I won't give you anything

         When you talk to me in an ordinary voice then I'll listen to you

E.g.    If you two can't stop fighting I'll put you in separate rooms

         I'll allow you to stay in here together if you can show me you can play

         together without anyone getting hurt

You're not going out of that door without a coat on

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If you don't get a move on you'll be late for the party

If you can't behave properly we won't go

Stop interrupting me

If you don't eat your dinner you can't have pudding

If you haven't done your jobs you're not watching T.V.

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If you can't share the toys no-one will play with them

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If you can't keep the noise down you'll be sent out of the room

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If you carry on screaming at me I'm just going to ignore you



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