Some Suggested Reading...

This is not an exhaustive list of 'how to' parenting books out there, of which there are thousands; but more a list of interesting and sometimes controversial books around the subject which may confound or inspire, or both...

Parent Effectiveness Training      Dr Thomas Gordon
Written in the early sixties, a breakthrough book on parenting which was perhaps the first to focus on the quality of the parent-child relationship, rather than simply behaviour management. Interestingly, despite its world-wide influence, it remains relatively obscure in the U.K. - maybe there is a stronger tradition in this country that children should be seen and not heard - and most parenting advice still centres on 'training'. The approach outlined in Gordon's work is original and groundbreaking; his skill was in putting together a  framework of skills from his work as a child psychologist, creating a simple model which parents could follow throughout their childrens' lives.  Highly recommended for anyone wishing to gain insights into relationships and communication principles; there are life-changing ideas and skills here. This is a book that makes you aware of the importance of day-to-day communication with your children; how we talk and listen to children is the basis on which the relationship is built and yet this fact is still frustratingly absent from much of the parenting advice around.

So I would recommend Gordon's work as useful reading for any parent, but with a few caveats. This model was devised in 1962, and has since had no major revision, and although it remains the original and best guide to relationship skills; some critical reappraisal is perhaps due.

As a set of guiding principles of communication for human relationships it is insightful and inspiring; however, as a model for the unique parent-child relationship it has its limitations in its failure to fully address the role of the 'parent' and the parent's legitimate authority. The parent-child relationship is not one of 'equals' and the lack of examination into what this means can leave parents in doubt about their own authority and responsibilities. Neither does it question what children want a parent to be. This is especially pertinent in the area of Win-Win Conflict Resolution; a method of mutual problem-solving which is useful to know as a guide, but in practical application a potential source of frustration, confusion and endless negotiation which makes nobody happy. The theories of increased responsibility and self-discipline all make sense, but in real life children would often prefer their parents to make the decision and have done with it. Too much working things out together can leave them resentful, insecure and too burdened with responsibilities which ultimately belong to the parents. There is an implication here that it is wrong for parents to ever lay down the law, which feeds into many parents' fears of taking the lead and risking being unpopular with their children. 

The lack of acknowledgement or acceptance of the fact that sometimes your children won't like you permeates other areas of the book, particularly in confronting behaviour; nowhere are parents given permission to simply give an order and expect compliance. This doesn't encourage a confidence and trust in parents' own legitimate authority, and also implies a lack of trust in children's acceptance of the authority of their parents - and indeed their need for it. Gordon's role as a child psycologist is apparant in his model, and I think the work needs to be viewed in this context, particularly the section on listening skills. Here was a professional who worked daily with troubled teens, so the emphasis on 'problems' is not surprising, but can be misleading when applied to normal kids in normal family situations. Listening is one of the most valuable and under-used skills, but there is a danger of responding to a child's every passing negative feeling with counselling skills, treating our children as if they are 'ill'. The focus on 'feelings' can lead to a reinforcement of  the child's sense of victimhood and powerlessness unless we are quite skilled in different ways of listening, and I don't think the book addresses this realistically.  

All the skills in the book can be useful and extremely effective when used appropriately, and the warmth and humanity of Gordon shines through. However, you are left with the feeling that there is an awful lot which is 'not allowed' if you want to be a lovely parent; and perhaps this is the problem inherent in any 'model': the implication of failure if not managed to the letter.  In the end the model can be seen as a blueprint for the  building of psycologically healthy relationships, but which I feel misses some important and valid aspects of a truly healthy parent-child relationship. In its avoidance of the implications of the parent's unique position in relation to the child, it can become a little like tip-toeing around your child, trying not to offend, and I believe children are a lot more robust than this approach would suggest.

Ultimately,  I would say that while these skills can lead to more open, human, honest and respectful relationships; the challenge for parents is in integrating them whilst not losing sight of the fact that children also largely require the safety of knowing clearly who is boss, and benefit from having parents who are confident and comfortable in their parental authority.

Discipline without Punishment or Reward     Dr Thomas Gordon
This is a good overview of the principles behind the P.E.T. communication skills, shorter and less daunting, a quicker way of getting all the points. Recommended for the insights into communication, and for the fact that amongst all the 'how-to' parenting books out there, the Gordon model seems to be the only one that addresses the way that we actually talk and listen to our children on a day-to-day basis. The principles I think provide the basic building blocks of our relationship with our children, and the usual advice you find in parenting books, such as 'set firm boundaries' and 'always follow through' is meaningless if you lack this basic understanding of how to actually communicate effectively.

Teacher Effectiveness Training     Dr Thomas Gordon
As above; some very useful communication skills and insights which may be new for many teachers and add to their range of strategies and tools. Knowledge of this approach may be very helpful, without necessarily always being practically applicable. As a complete model it is probably more suited to secondary school than primary; however there are principles and skills here which are effective for all ages. Recommended reading for teachers who are concerned with improving their relationships with children, rather than just controlling their behaviour, and for the fact that personal relationship skills are rarely explored in other training programmes for teachers.

How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk     Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
P.E.T.-lite.The authors have written a book based on the Gordon communication skills, but lighter, more humorous and with funny cartoons. Easy to dip into and pick up a few tips and alternative approaches which are very helpful.

Siblings without Rivalry     Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Not sure about the claim in the title; rivalry between siblings is inevitable at times, and one of the ways in which children learn and grow. However, this book contains some useful strategies and approaches to helping children manage this relationship. As above, a light and accessible book, easy to pick up and read bits during a busy day.

How to Talk so Kids can Learn      Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
The one for teachers, but useful for parents too. Warm, intelligent and readable, with examples of real experiences in the classroom. This book is based on the real life experiences, mistakes, questioning and learning path of the authors, so it's more human, less perfect, and perhaps less intimidating than the T.E.T.
book. The skills are basically the same, and this book is maybe an easier way in, with examples and experiences that probably every teacher could relate to. And as with all the Gordon material, the human relationship is emphasised, and the answers found are not the ones you would find in other advice books. It's uplifting and leaves you with a sense of more human possibilities without the need to be perfect.
 
Emotional Intelligence      Daniel Goleman
The hot topic of emotional intelligence started here and inspired a whole industry of feeling. Interesting reading if you were brought up in the generation when children had no 'emotional' needs at all, just for balance, but be wary, much  research in the area of social psycology has since been discredited, and the area of the population found to have the highest 'emotional intelligence' is the prison population. So not necessarily a positive thing.

Social Intelligence     Daniel Goleman
With similar caveats, especially the credibility of research, but useful for a layman's basic understanding of the brain and how it works when it comes to emotions and social relationships. Information about the transference of emotions from one person to another is especially useful for parents, and understanding the 'lower' and 'higher' brains and their functions is useful for managing your own feelings as well as understanding some of your child's behaviour.

The Nurture Assumption     Judith Rich Harris
This is the book that debunks all the research.  A book I think every modern parent should read, if only to counter the post-Freudian fears that encourage us to believe that one mistake will damage them for life.   Unfortunately it's a long book for parents to find the time to read, so to sum up: different  parenting 'styles' have no significant effect on the personalities of your children or their happiness and success in the future - as long as they fall within the normal range, which is huge when you look at the variation historically and globaly. Harris cites impressive, properly controlled studies to back up her conclusions, and shows that without controlling for genes - which account for around 45% of our personalities - many of the studies we read about are vastly misleading. She meticulously pieces together the evidence for the factors which do significantly shape our children's personalities, putting parental responsibilities realistically into context within all the influences our children experience, and she tells us exactly how this happens, taking in genetics, anthropology, neuroscience and social and behavioural psychology along the way. Controversial, but very impressive research, and a great story.

No Two Alike    Judith Rich Harris
A smaller book. Fascinating and readable, it was published two years after The Nurture Assumption, and it takes the research and understanding of the development of personality further. Written as a kind of detective novel, she examines and discards several 'red herrings' along the way as she searches for clues as to what makes us different from eachother. Her starting point is the fact that identical twins, who share the same set of genes (though not necessarily the same set of parents), turn out to have very different personalities (though they may share similar interests and mannerisms). She runs a fine tooth comb through all the extensive twin, birth order, parenting and environment studies and defines the factors that make us more similar and those that make us different, and as with a satisfying detective novel, she finds the culprit in the end. I won't give it away and spoil the ending, but whereThe Nuture Assumption concluded that environmental factors have the most influence on adult personality, No Two Alike splits 'environment' into the three learning 'systems' our brains employ - the Relationship system, the Socialization system and the Status system, and explains how they work, and how natural selection has refined them. As with The Nurture Assumption, Harris's research is very impressive and stringent, but amongst all the evidence, facts and figures, is a very entertaining and humorously written page-turner.

The Blank Slate    Steven Pinker
Another weighty tome. If you want to find out why you can't change your little tyrant into an angelic princess, here's the book. As every parent knows, our children come into this world with their own personalities; they are not blank slates for us to write on - and yet we still get frustrated that we can't change them. This book helps you to relax about it all - you can influence how your children behave but not who they are, so you might as well put your energy where it will be useful. If you haven't time to read the whole book, Chapter 19 is called 'Children' and pretty much sums up what you need to know.

Nature via Nurture    Matt Ridley 
Here's a smaller paperback on the same subject. Namechecks Judith Rich Harris but was published a few years before 'The Nurture Assumption' so not as controversial, and lacks the latest research and debate. Still it's interesting, intelligent and readable and you could take this one to the beach.

Paranoid Parenting   Frank Furedi
This reads a bit like an indignant Daily Mail columist, but having said that, it is much quicker and easier to read than the previous few books, and useful for any over-anxious parents out there. I suspect he would like a return to Victorian values really, but that doesn't detract from the portrait he paints of parental paranoia, and he certainly gives you back your power if you'd lost it, while at the same time being ever so slightly patronising.

Therapy Culture    Frank Furedi
I liked this book better, a no holds barred critique of the politics of emotion, comparing the current 'therapy culture' with models from the past, which puts it into context. A timely book, showing how far we've gone in a very short space of time in treating everyone as a 'victim', recommended to parents who worry about their child's every feeling and what it means, and are constantly anxious that they might 'damage' them in some way. The book to read alongside 'Emotional Intelligence' if you like to see both sides of an issue.

Risk    Dan Gardner
Nothing to do with parenting, but does contain some content about children's safety. Useful though as an antidote to all the ways we are encouraged to fear, and as parents we are encouraged to fear a lot. Gives you a healthy skeptisism when presented with 'facts' and 'research' in the media.

Nurture Shock   Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman
Latest research! Another myth-debunker, just out in paperback. Here's a sample: it is children with high self-esteem, not low, who are more likely  to take drugs and behave in anti-social ways. There is some very useful information for parents in this book, which encourages us to question some of the 'common knowledge' out there.


Further Resources for Teachers:

Bullying: A Complete Guide to the Support Group Method      George Robinson & Barbara Maines
An alternative approach to managing bullying, teasing and being left out, which recognises the role played by the bystanders, not just the 'bullies', and fosters responsibility amongst all the children for the safety of everyone.

For more resources for schools Lucky Duck Publishing provides a range of useful books on subjects such as peer mediation, playground buddies, circle times and behaviour management, available from Amazon.